Utah’s Funniest Take on Local News
Satire, memes, and community commentary from behind the Zion Curtain. 100% made up — except the parts that are uncomfortably true.
Latest Stories
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Area Man Measures Entire Life In Minutes From The Mouth Of The Canyon; Owns No Other Units
COTTONWOOD HEIGHTS — Friends and family confirmed this week that local man Brent Callister, 38, has completely abandoned conventional geography, and now measures every location, event, and several abstract concepts exclusively in minutes from the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon. “He doesn’t have an address anymore. He has a drive time,” said Callister’s wife, who…
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Report: 1 In 4 Utah Conversations Now Begins With ‘So, My Cousin Was Almost On Real Housewives’
SALT LAKE CITY — A sweeping new cultural report has found that roughly one in four conversations in the Salt Lake valley now opens with some variation of “so, my cousin was almost on Real Housewives,” a statistic researchers say understates the phenomenon, because the other three conversations get there by minute ten. The study,…
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National Chain Bravely Introduces Revolutionary ‘Pink Fry Dip’ To Utah; Told To Sit Down
SALT LAKE CITY — In a product launch that will be taught in business schools as a warning, a national burger chain this week unveiled its “revolutionary Pink Fry Dip” — a proprietary blend of ketchup and mayonnaise — to a Utah focus group, apparently unaware that it was presenting the state drink of Utah…
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Utahns Return From Lunch To Find Sun Has Already Set
SALT LAKE CITY — Thousands of Utah workers were plunged into seasonal confusion this week after returning from lunch to discover the sun had already set, an event officials attribute to the end of Daylight Saving Time and the sun’s new, earlier schedule of 5:06 p.m., a slot most residents still insist “is basically afternoon.”…
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Area Jazz Fan Enters Season ‘Just Enjoying The Process’ For Third Consecutive Process
SALT LAKE CITY — Settling into his seat at the Delta Center with the serene expression of a man who has made peace with a spreadsheet, local Jazz fan Dale Hutchings, 41, confirmed Friday that he has entered the new season “just enjoying the process,” marking the third distinct process he has enjoyed since the…
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Report: Every Business In Rural Utah To Be Staffed Entirely By One Woman Named Sharlene During Deer Opener
RICHFIELD — A comprehensive new report released this week confirms what rural Utah has long known: during the general deer season opener, the entire regional economy is operated, single-handedly and without complaint, by women named Sharlene. The study, conducted over three openers, found that while an estimated 97% of the able-bodied population was in the…
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